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Cheap Ass Rocky road

Do you have no money but want to show your Valentine’s that you love them? Or are you looking for a way to just eat your feelings today? Either way if you’re a huge tight ass here is the best cheap-ass rocky road recipe ever. It’s also super easy to make so you can quickly get back to your Candy Crush game, the only time in life where melting chocolate is evil.

Once upon a time when I was a tight ass, I used to make this for friends birthdays, parties and for Prince Charming on our monthly anniversaries. This rocky road is so awesome that my friends didn’t dump me after, as the great taste and texture of this recipe outweighed my cheap gestures.

There are two editions below, a Valentine’s edition and a normal everyday edition. Both will set you back a total of $4.67 and $7.17, respectively when the generic brand, supermarket ingredients have been apportioned.

Tight-ass Rocky Road (Valentine’s edition)
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This version makes six solid rocky road hearts, which if we’re being lame will win the heart of a man who should really be a woman (i.e. a transvestite).

What you will need:

  • 160g marshmallows, chopped into halves
  • 18 raspberry lollies approx 90-100 grams, chopped into thirds
  • 1.5 tbs 40 grams crushed peanuts
  • 3-4tbs desiccated coconut approx 60 g
  • 300 grams chocolate

What to do:
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  1. Get out your 6 heart silicone baking tin. This one was bought from Kmart for $5.
  2. Distribute marshmallows, raspberry lollies, coconut and peanuts equally.
  3. Melt chocolate
  4. Working quickly, place chocolate into each heart and mix with ingredients until combined
  5. Place rocky road in the fridge/freezer until hard

Make sure to lick the bowl and all the spoons clean because doing this brings back childhood nostalgia.

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Normal everyday edition:

This edition is for the lazy people who can’t be bothered with the hearts or people who just want to eat their feelings. It makes a whole baking tin worth, so you can gift up to three friends with tight-ass rocky road for less than $2.50 a serve.

What you will need:

  • 250g marshmallows
  • 30 (165g) raspberries lollies
  • 3-4tbs (60-80g) crushed peanuts
  • 5-6tbs (approx 100g) desiccated coconut
  • 400grams melted chocolate

What to do:

  1. Get a normal round/square baking tin, probably best to line it with some baking paper.
  2. Follow steps 2 to 5 above

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Admittedly this one does not look as pretty but it’s deliciously ugly and has a similar texture to the Darrell Lea rocky road only with a better taste.

Have time to show more love? You could also make her a Pikachu card

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I Pik&chuse you!!

This Valentine’s day tell your partner that you love them as much as Ash Ketchum loves Pikachu with a self made card which says: Pik&chuse, I Pik&chuse you!

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This card idea came about after a massive stint of FOMO when a Facebook friend’s boyfriend made her a Dorothy the Dinosaur birthday card because, well her name is Dorothy. I had to one-up her and make a bigger, better card for Valentine’s around the corner. It worked! I got more likes, more love from Price Charming and my Pikachu card was so immaculate, a Facebook friend thought Prince Charming was the one who made the card.

The card actually took a decent amount of time to make, drawing Pikachu in the correct proportions is harder than it looks, so attached below in the instructions is a Pikachu template. Although, with the template you might notice the feet and hands have been changed so it looks closer to Pikachu rather than Ratticlaw

Instructions

What you will need

  • 1 sheet of A3 yellow card board (normal yellow not fluoro yellow)
  • Pink, red and brown coloured paper (plain origami paper works well)
  • A pencil for tracing
  • A black maker (can be whiteboard or permanent, I like the Sharpie brand)
  • Sharp, clean scissors for cutting the card
  • Glue stick
    1. Place the piece of cardboard in a landscape position, fold the piece of card board in half (from left to right preferable).

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  1. Print out the template, either draw out Pikachu or blow up the template and sketch Pikachu. Make sure to draw the folded side marked with a dotted line on the folded side of the cardboard.
  2. Trace facial features and tail onto Pikachu
  3. Using the coloured paper, trace out:  hearts  (red paper), circles (pink paper) and tail patch (brown paper)
  4. Stick paper cut outs onto Pikachu according to the template
  5. Using the scissors, cut out Pikachu from folded cardboard. Be careful not to cut on the folded line.
  6. Outline Pikachu using the black marker, making sure to colour in his nose and ears.
  7. Open the card and write a lame Valentine’s message: Here are some serving suggestions:
  • Pik&chu, I Pick&chusssseee you
  • I Pik& Pik& Pik& Pikachuse you
  • I will never evolve and Raichu off
  • I still get an electric shock from you

If you don’t want Pik&Chu you can have any other Pokemon, just follow the same method but change the Pokemon you draw. Here are some suggestions:

Magikarp
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For you are magikarp hahaha….lame.

Jynx
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For your our partner has become so metrosexual you can’t differentiate his gender anymore as “your looks are starting to Jynx me”.

Diglett
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For “I still Diglett you”

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