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Cheap Ass Rocky road

Do you have no money but want to show your Valentine’s that you love them? Or are you looking for a way to just eat your feelings today? Either way if you’re a huge tight ass here is the best cheap-ass rocky road recipe ever. It’s also super easy to make so you can quickly get back to your Candy Crush game, the only time in life where melting chocolate is evil.

Once upon a time when I was a tight ass, I used to make this for friends birthdays, parties and for Prince Charming on our monthly anniversaries. This rocky road is so awesome that my friends didn’t dump me after, as the great taste and texture of this recipe outweighed my cheap gestures.

There are two editions below, a Valentine’s edition and a normal everyday edition. Both will set you back a total of $4.67 and $7.17, respectively when the generic brand, supermarket ingredients have been apportioned.

Tight-ass Rocky Road (Valentine’s edition)
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This version makes six solid rocky road hearts, which if we’re being lame will win the heart of a man who should really be a woman (i.e. a transvestite).

What you will need:

  • 160g marshmallows, chopped into halves
  • 18 raspberry lollies approx 90-100 grams, chopped into thirds
  • 1.5 tbs 40 grams crushed peanuts
  • 3-4tbs desiccated coconut approx 60 g
  • 300 grams chocolate

What to do:
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  1. Get out your 6 heart silicone baking tin. This one was bought from Kmart for $5.
  2. Distribute marshmallows, raspberry lollies, coconut and peanuts equally.
  3. Melt chocolate
  4. Working quickly, place chocolate into each heart and mix with ingredients until combined
  5. Place rocky road in the fridge/freezer until hard

Make sure to lick the bowl and all the spoons clean because doing this brings back childhood nostalgia.

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Normal everyday edition:

This edition is for the lazy people who can’t be bothered with the hearts or people who just want to eat their feelings. It makes a whole baking tin worth, so you can gift up to three friends with tight-ass rocky road for less than $2.50 a serve.

What you will need:

  • 250g marshmallows
  • 30 (165g) raspberries lollies
  • 3-4tbs (60-80g) crushed peanuts
  • 5-6tbs (approx 100g) desiccated coconut
  • 400grams melted chocolate

What to do:

  1. Get a normal round/square baking tin, probably best to line it with some baking paper.
  2. Follow steps 2 to 5 above

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Admittedly this one does not look as pretty but it’s deliciously ugly and has a similar texture to the Darrell Lea rocky road only with a better taste.

Have time to show more love? You could also make her a Pikachu card

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El-Gemma: the Ching Chong Chicken

Happy ching chong ling long ting tong new year everyone!

Hope everyone who reads this gets rich, gets lucky and gets fat after all the festive Chinese feasts they’ve been eating.

My CNY has been great. I think my grandmother has finally walked into a McDonald’s store and realised that inflation grew quite rapidly from 1992 to 2014. This year she has finally indexed her consistent new year red pocket of $5 to $10. Woohoo winning in life!!

CNY is great, as it’s the two week period where your relatives will avoid calling you fat so that you eat, eat, eat until a food coma occurs. So today to celebrate new year, here’s an awesome Shan Dong chicken recipe. It’s burnt and charcoaled like Eljannah. So we shall rename it to:

El-Gemma: the Ching Chong Chicken.

What you will need:
-1.8 kilo chicken (the bigger the chicken the better)
-2.5 tbs dark soy sauce
-2.5 tbs dry sherry or vermouth
-1 tbs sesame oil
-1 tbs grated ginger
-4 cloves garlic, crushed
-3-4 tsp ground Szechuan pepper

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What to do:
1. Mix all sauces, spices and oils in a bowl
2. Get a plastic bag (any clean plastic bag will do) and place the chicken in the bag
3. Pour sauce mixture into the bag and using the bag, shake, massage sauce into the chicken
4. Marinade the chicken overnight or for up to 36 hours, making sure to turn over the chicken in the marinade half way
5. Preheat oven to 200 degrees of fan forced oven, 220 if not
6. Remove chicken from the bag and place on a tray. Make sure to save the marinade sauce
7. Bake chicken in the oven for approximately 1 hour and 20 minutes. Also place a tray of water underneath the chicken, this will help to keep the bird moist.
8. While the chicken is baking, bring excess marinade to the boil. It will thicken and turn into a great glaze
9. As the chicken is baking, every 10/15/20 minutes of so, paint on more glaze using a pastry brush. This will give the bird more flavour, great charcoaling and prevent the skin from peeling.
10. Take out the bird when done and let it rest for a while. It will look like an 80 year old woman who has had too many solarium visits.

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While the bird is resting, I really recommend you whip up the best dipping sauce for the bird. It’s the same sauce which comes with Shan dong chicken at Golden Fang, the awesome, cheap but dirty Chinese restaurant next door to the Landsdowne Hotel.

Sweet, sour, tangy and salty sauce

What you will need:
1/3 cup of cold water
1/3 cup of white vinegar
1 tbs grated ginger
2 cloves garlic, crushed
1 tbs sambal oelek
2 tbs brown sugar
1 tbs soy sauce
3 tbs chopped coriander
1 tsp corn flour
1 tbs water

How to make the sauce:
1. Mix all ingredients in a bowl except for the coriander, cornflour and extra tbs water
2. In a small saucepan, bring the mixture to a boil on low to medium heat
3. Mix cornflour with extra water
4. Place cornflour mixture in saucepan and allow to thicken
5. Take sauce off heat and add in chopped coriander

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Now that the sauce is done, chop your bird either into pieces like Nandos or shred it up to be served with the sauce. Devour the bird like a caveman, it’s finger licking goodness.